The Summer Before Senior Year As Told by Your Favorite Disney Characters
College Life |  Source: L. Smith, Disney Wiki

The Summer Before Senior Year As Told by Your Favorite Disney Characters

Because they sure know how to tell a story.

1. When you want to relax before the most stressful year of your life, but you have to work so you can pay your living expenses.

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2. ...And you have to do schoolwork OVER THE SUMMER.

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3. If you plan on going to grad school, then you have to start applying, taking tests, etc...

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4. When you realize that you'll be done with college in a year.

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5. When you think you have to work hard this summer, but you realize that next summer you're going to have to work a full-time, adult job.

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6. When you frantically try to figure out how you're going to make the best of your senior year.

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7. When you motivate yourself to not procrastinate this year.

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8. And you also motivate yourself to get straight A's (or as close as you possibly can).

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9. When you realize that soon you'll be making a nice, full-time paycheck...

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10. But most of that money is going to go toward rent, food, gas, etc.

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11. And let's not forget paying back those student loans!

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12. When you realize that soon you're going to have to deal with things like health insurance, life insurance...

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13. And TAXES?

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14. But you also realize that after this year you won't have to do homework...

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15. Or take another test!

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16. Unless you're going to grad school of course...

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17. But you remember that whatever happens, your senior year is going to be a great one!

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18. And you'll be done with college in a year.

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College Life | 

The Struggles of a Horny College Student

Dry spells happen to the best of us.

I like to equate college with the pupa--you know, the stage that comes after a caterpillar, before it emerges as a beautiful butterfly, if pupas smelled like weed, that is. Think about it: In college, we're letting go of our past selves to grow into something better, in search of something new.

Because this is college, this search often requires alcohol and a stranger's companionship. I know this because I have heard many people "searching" for themselves quite loudly from their dorm rooms.

So. Why the fuck is it still so hard to get laid? I know what you're thinking: Wait, girls think about getting laid all the time, too? What!??! I'm here to tell you, yes, we do. Everyone does. It's sex. Sex is awesome, come on! Try to keep up.

The dilemma here is not the lack of interest, it is the lack of volunteers. Now try to keep your shit together, because this next part is about to blow your mind: even a hot young chick cannot get sex in 2015.

This is what the world has come to. (Thanks, Obama.)

First and foremost: I assure you that I am hot--and I am indeed getting none. The struggle is real in Tucson, Ariz. It was also real in San Diego, Calif., where I went to high school and got barely anything either. Disclaimer: I do have some standards. For example, I am hesitant to meet up with people on Tinder anymore, (and meet I mean M-E-A-T, it is Tinder, after all), because one minute I'll be having a nice conversation with a super hot Brazilian exchange student, and the next minute I'm running out of his rat-infested apartment as I realize he is actually broke, disgusting, and in fact not struggling to cope with a tricky second language, just illiterate.

Even if I consider playing for both teams, there are still no bites. This can't be my life. And I know that there are many of you going through the same struggles that I am--so here are my best tips on how to deal with getting none, my poor, sex-less compatriots.

Masturbation: This is a given, but I wanted to put it out there anyway. Places that might work: the showers in the middle of the night, cars in dark alleys, or the bathrooms in buildings where they don't allow food or drink, so no one will be needing them.

Bicycling: An option that probably works better for the other females out there, but you never know guys--might be worth a try!

Do laundry instead: Yeah, yeah, totally not the same as sex. But you may as well use your free time for something useful. Bonus: you'll always have tons of clean clothes.

Reading erotic novels: It's better than porn, because you get to fantasize about actually good looking people instead of the weird-looking people who actually star in pornos. Not that I watch porn, I don't. That would be weird.

Denial: Pretend you're having sex, and just maybe your body will believe you and stop being so horny all the time.

Sexlessness is a real and ever-present struggle. Don't be a hero, give your body the release it needs. And remember, you're not alone. We all struggle with it at one time or another, so be kind to one another. You never know who's going through a dry patch.

Apparently this goes for all species.

That poor bastard.

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College Life |  Source: N. Leeper, Shutterstock

Why Dogs And Cats Are Equally Great

Two is better than one.

For some reason we have decided that we can either be a dog person or a cat person, not both, but why? These animals are both adorable and share such unique and different qualities that it is hard to imagine choosing between the two. Here are 10 ways that dogs and cats are both the best:

1. Dogs are always happy to see you.

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When you come home from work or school, you are guaranteed to be greeted by an excited and happy dog on the other side of the door.

2. Cats love to cuddle.

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They may not always greet you at the door and they may find you boring at times, but when you're sitting on the couch or laying in bed, you can count on your cat to be the one cuddling up on your lap waiting for attention.

3. Dogs will comfort you.

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If you're going through a bad breakup or just having a bad day, your dog somehow will just know something is wrong. You can count on them to be right there trying to cheer you up.

4. Cats can fit into anything.

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Their curiosity lead them to end up stuck in a box or lounging in a bowl leaving you shocked and amused.

5. Dogs are extremely photogenic.

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I mean just look at them, they put in no effort to look that adorable.

6. Cats will be lazy with you.

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Whether you are binge-watching Netflix or sleeping in until noon, cats will lay in bed with you and embrace your lazy day.

7. Dogs love the simple things.

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Whether it is going for a walk through the park or a drive through town, dogs are up for anything and will be excited to do anything as long as they are with you.

8. Cats show all of their emotions.

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Whether they're annoyed, happy, or scared you'll always know how they're feeling.

9. Dogs will protect you.

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Though at times their excessive barking may get annoying, they're only looking out for you and making sure that you are safe.

10. Cats are funny.

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They will never cease to entertain you, just look at all the YouTube videos of cats just being themselves.

Whether you agree or disagree that dogs and cats are equally amazing, what is undeniable is how both animals will love you unconditionally.

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College Life |  Source: N. Leeper, Shutterstock

Using Dining Halls to Force Friendship on Others

"Coercion is the greatest foundation of any relationship." - Sociopath Simon

While you may be tempted to tie someone up in your basement and force them to watch YouTube videos with you, there's a legal and much easier way of obtaining the chums you so desire. Dining halls. Think of them as the university's watering holes, where you're the lion with opposable thumbs and the other students are gazelles, just waiting to get attacked by your promises of ever-lasting friendship. It's a win-win situation, so long as you don't take this metaphor too seriously.

Tips on establishing dining hall friendships:

1. Pick your moment.
While breakfast, lunch and dinner typically have high traffic, they're also the hardest times to force friendship. Fellow students may already be sitting with people they got guilt-tripped into eating with, or they may be with an actual group of friends, which is much harder to crack into. What you should do instead is pick low traffic times when students are usually forced to eat alone. This way, they may actually appreciate a stranger sitting down with them, because they won't feel socially inept.

2. Check their plate.
Most students tend to eat the majority of their food so it won't go to waste. Once you've scoped out your future best friend, check to see how full their plate is. If it's fairly full, swoop in. Conversations with strangers tend to last as long as it does to finish their meal. Longer meal = more time for them to realize how awesome you are.

3. Don't make it weird.

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I repeat. DO. NOT. MAKE. IT. WEIRD. Do not saunter over to someone like some 1950s gangster, or slam your food on the table to establish dominance. Behave like a normal human being, sit down and say hello. To begin a successful conversation, use the one thing you both clearly have in common: you're students at the same university. Discuss school topics such as majors, colleges you applied to, which dorms you live in, etc. Steer clear of red-flag topics, such as lobotomies or brands of poison. If the other person seems uncomfortable with your presence, they probably don't want to be your friend. Calmly say, "Sorry, I have to go feed my giraffe," and make your graceful exit.

4. Get Their Contact Info.
The most important part to creating a lasting friendship is keeping in touch with them. Getting their phone number or adding them on social media is generally the easiest way to do this. Make sure it's something they're okay with, though. Do NOT stumble into stalker territory. It's hard to be best friends when they have a restraining order against you. As long as the conversation has gone well, this step will be simple. Make plans to eat together again.

Congratulations! You've just made a new friend! If not, it's okay, there are plenty of other gazelles in the wild grass of the dining halls.

Disclaimer: results may vary. If your new best friend displays sociopathic tendencies, or brings up red-flag topics themselves, skedaddle out of there as quickly as you can and try again later.

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College Life |  Source: L. Smith, Shutterstock

The Struggles Of Someone Who Swears A Lot

Sorry.

If you're anything like me, you enjoy dropping a curse word every now and then (or every other sentence...). It's not because I want to sound "cool", it's just... who I am. Hey, they say the people who swear more frequently tend to be more intelligent. Anyway, here are the struggles for those of us who probably need to wash our mouths out with soap.

1. When you just meet someone and you're not sure yet if they would be okay with you swearing.

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2. When you drop the f-bomb in front of your parents for the first time.

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3. When you're around small kids and you involuntarily let a curse word slip.

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4. When you're angry and you're venting to your friend...

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5. When you're reading something aloud in class and you come across a swear word.

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6. When your friend who never swears drops a swear word.

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7. When you swear while telling your parents a story, and then they say, "Watch your mouth".

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8. When your professor nonchalantly swears while giving a lecture.

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9. When you're in a public place and you accidentally swear loud enough for everyone to hear...

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10. And when you're talking to your friend in class and you swear loud enough that the professor probably heard you...

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11. And finally, when somebody tells you that you "swear too much".

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College Life |  Source: L. Smith, Shutterstock

18 Poops You Will Have In College

Be Prepared

Very First Poop

Every freshman will face their very first college poop. Your privacy has been stripped away from you, a gross floor and low quality toilet paper await you. Your nervousness results in trapping your poop within you, or expelling it at a worrisome rate. Relax, you will have much worse shits than your first.

Too Much Water

It's easy to go overboard with water if you're actively making an effort to stay hydrated. Although water is good for you, too much can be a bad thing. Too much water is a good way to create soft- serve turds, very soft serve.

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Not Enough Water

College is busy, staying hydrated takes a lot of effort- but so does rock hard shit. Find a balance with water, or study time may have to be traded for poop time.

Morning Of Your First Exam

You're crushing in some study time before you go to class, you need to be on time, you need to be prepared, you need to shit. Your nervousness has resulted in an upset stomach, diarrhea accompanies you throughout the morning before your first exam.

After Party Poop

Half a pizza, several beers and a few shots comes out with the same speed and burn that it went in with. Be prepared to simultaneously puke, and a have a friend hold your hair or bring you more toilet paper.

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Hangover Poop

Your throbbing head and sore body are accompanied by one more problem- you must poop. You're now so dehydrated that your poops are drier than the desert, vastly different than the diarrhea from the night before.

Just Tried Anal Poop

If you didn't already accidentally poop during sex, you're sitting on the toilet, not sure if you're even pooping because you can't feel your rectum.

Eating Entirely On Campus

The mediocre food in the buffet may be convenient, but after a few days you're going to notice some changes. Your stomach will try to adjust to the mediocrity, causing very mediocre poop quality. Either your turds will be as soft as the buffet frozen yogurt, or as hard as the cookies.

Eating Entirely Off Campus

Fast food is also convenient, but if you're going to eat all fast food you better be willing to commit to some time on the toilet. The greasy, warm goodness of Taco Bell, Panda Express, and repeated pizza orders comes out in a very similar greasy warmness.

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Last Dorm Poop

Finally, you're moving out of the dorms! Maybe into a suit or your own place, either way you'll have a higher degree of privacy and cleanliness. That doesn't stop you from needed to poop in the meantime, there will be a poop in the dorms that is your last poop. Take that poop as an opportunity to reflect on past dorm poops- and look forward to your own damn bathroom.

Mystery Poop

You will have a mystery poop situation. Why is this poop different from your normal bowel movements? Are you okay? This poop will confuse you, and might make you question if you're okay. Maybe call your mom, she'll know.

Middle of Lecture Poop

Lectures are long, that bacon, egg, double cheese bagel you ate for breakfast has not sat well with your stomach- you MUST shit. You try to hold it off, this lecture is important and it would be rude to run out in the middle of it. Oh no- you can feel it. You're going to shit your pants if you don't go right now, so you quickly grab your stuff, and RUN to the restroom. Hopefully your professor isn't a total jerk and doesn't penalize you for missing the rest of the lecture.

You Shit Your Pants

It happens. Not everybody shits their pants in college, but if it happens to you just go home. You professors should understand.

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Needed to Shit All Day Poop

Running between lectures, activities and work stuffed your day. You didn't need to poop so badly to pause your day, so now you're at home. You eventually realize through the bloating and cramping that you need to shit. Since you held your poop all day, it now doesn't want to come out. You spend the night studying on the toilet.

In a Rush Poop

You only have five minutes util you must leave for class, a date, work, whatever, and you realize you need to shit. You quickly sit on the throne, and poop as quickly as you can. You do a rushed wipe job and leave as fast as you can. Later your ass will itch from your poor wipe job.

Poop Walk of Shame

Maybe you were really tired, or you ate Taco Bell...or both. You forgot to courtesy flush and clogged the communal toilet beyond repair. You now do the poop walk of shame- wait till nobody else is around, and then run out of the restroom before anybody has the chance to know that you clogged the toilet.

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You're Sick

You will get a cold or the flu while in the dorms, and you will have to poop. Your aching, sick body will have to drag itself down the hall, make it to a stall, and try not to throw up while you poop. This will be one of the most unpleasant poops you'll have.

Graduation day

Finally, you're free! You are an hour or less until you shake hands and leave forever -but wait- you need to poop. You go to the toilet and must figure out how to poop with your cap and gown. Do you take them off and throw them over the stall? Do you hold it up like a dress? What if it hits the gross ground? Good luck.