Very First Poop
Every freshman will face their very first college poop. Your privacy has been stripped away from you, a gross floor and low quality toilet paper await you. Your nervousness results in trapping your poop within you, or expelling it at a worrisome rate. Relax, you will have much worse shits than your first.
Too Much Water
It's easy to go overboard with water if you're actively making an effort to stay hydrated. Although water is good for you, too much can be a bad thing. Too much water is a good way to create soft- serve turds, very soft serve.
Not Enough Water
College is busy, staying hydrated takes a lot of effort- but so does rock hard shit. Find a balance with water, or study time may have to be traded for poop time.
Morning Of Your First Exam
You're crushing in some study time before you go to class, you need to be on time, you need to be prepared, you need to shit. Your nervousness has resulted in an upset stomach, diarrhea accompanies you throughout the morning before your first exam.
After Party Poop
Half a pizza, several beers and a few shots comes out with the same speed and burn that it went in with. Be prepared to simultaneously puke, and a have a friend hold your hair or bring you more toilet paper.
Your throbbing head and sore body are accompanied by one more problem- you must poop. You're now so dehydrated that your poops are drier than the desert, vastly different than the diarrhea from the night before.
Just Tried Anal Poop
If you didn't already accidentally poop during sex, you're sitting on the toilet, not sure if you're even pooping because you can't feel your rectum.
Eating Entirely On Campus
The mediocre food in the buffet may be convenient, but after a few days you're going to notice some changes. Your stomach will try to adjust to the mediocrity, causing very mediocre poop quality. Either your turds will be as soft as the buffet frozen yogurt, or as hard as the cookies.
Eating Entirely Off Campus
Fast food is also convenient, but if you're going to eat all fast food you better be willing to commit to some time on the toilet. The greasy, warm goodness of Taco Bell, Panda Express, and repeated pizza orders comes out in a very similar greasy warmness.
Last Dorm Poop
Finally, you're moving out of the dorms! Maybe into a suit or your own place, either way you'll have a higher degree of privacy and cleanliness. That doesn't stop you from needed to poop in the meantime, there will be a poop in the dorms that is your last poop. Take that poop as an opportunity to reflect on past dorm poops- and look forward to your own damn bathroom.
You will have a mystery poop situation. Why is this poop different from your normal bowel movements? Are you okay? This poop will confuse you, and might make you question if you're okay. Maybe call your mom, she'll know.
Middle of Lecture Poop
Lectures are long, that bacon, egg, double cheese bagel you ate for breakfast has not sat well with your stomach- you MUST shit. You try to hold it off, this lecture is important and it would be rude to run out in the middle of it. Oh no- you can feel it. You're going to shit your pants if you don't go right now, so you quickly grab your stuff, and RUN to the restroom. Hopefully your professor isn't a total jerk and doesn't penalize you for missing the rest of the lecture.
You Shit Your Pants
It happens. Not everybody shits their pants in college, but if it happens to you just go home. You professors should understand.
Needed to Shit All Day Poop
Running between lectures, activities and work stuffed your day. You didn't need to poop so badly to pause your day, so now you're at home. You eventually realize through the bloating and cramping that you need to shit. Since you held your poop all day, it now doesn't want to come out. You spend the night studying on the toilet.
In a Rush Poop
You only have five minutes util you must leave for class, a date, work, whatever, and you realize you need to shit. You quickly sit on the throne, and poop as quickly as you can. You do a rushed wipe job and leave as fast as you can. Later your ass will itch from your poor wipe job.
Poop Walk of Shame
Maybe you were really tired, or you ate Taco Bell...or both. You forgot to courtesy flush and clogged the communal toilet beyond repair. You now do the poop walk of shame- wait till nobody else is around, and then run out of the restroom before anybody has the chance to know that you clogged the toilet.
You will get a cold or the flu while in the dorms, and you will have to poop. Your aching, sick body will have to drag itself down the hall, make it to a stall, and try not to throw up while you poop. This will be one of the most unpleasant poops you'll have.
Finally, you're free! You are an hour or less until you shake hands and leave forever -but wait- you need to poop. You go to the toilet and must figure out how to poop with your cap and gown. Do you take them off and throw them over the stall? Do you hold it up like a dress? What if it hits the gross ground? Good luck.