The  Nudes Experience We All Know, But Don't Tell
New Phone Who Dis? |  Source: L. Smith, Shutterstock

The Nudes Experience We All Know, But Don't Tell

Snapchat front cam changin the game.

OK, so is sending nudes just as stressful for other girls as it is for me? I mean, lights on lights off? On the bed? In the shower? Boobs or butt? I'm having anxiety just talking about it.

Sending nudes is basically an art form for women. By the end of it, you've wasted three hours of your life, used up all the space on your phone from the 7,200 pictures you took, and you've edited the shit out of it to the point where it might not even be you in that picture anymore.

Meanwhile, three seconds after you have sent your Mona Lisa of nudes, you receive a picture of what appears to be a one eyed monster connected to some boy's groin area. Not only are you now horrified, but you also feel like a stupid idiot for spending all that time on your pic, when he literally snapped one pic and just sent it. No filter, no nothin'.

A guy's nude is a very limited ballpark lacking nearly any amount of creativity. You very rarely receive a nude from a guy that is anything other than a picture of their dick, hence "dick pics". You don't get any abs, arms, nada. Just dick. If it's really your lucky day, you might get a hand holding it, but that's about the extent of it.

Sometimes, though, they'll bring objects into the mix. But no one wants to see the comparison of that remote and your dick, get that shit outta here. The disparity between a girl's nude and a guy's nude is huge. The thought that goes into it, the time it takes to take said photo, and typically the satisfaction each person receives from the picture is completely different.

A girl's nude is a perfected specimen, a guy's nude is a five second ordeal in the bathroom of Buffalo Wild Wings.

So will us women ever be able to stop being psychos about our nudes, and will guys ever start having a single care in the world about their penis photography skills? I mean, we all know these struggles of nudes, but we never talk about it. Like, someone please tell the male population to do better, and girls, let's all just tell ourselves we will chill out (even though we all know we won't).

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6 Things Girls Actually Think About Your Dick Pic

Dick picks are usually tied with, well... dick personalities.

One of the brightest minds of our age, Nicole Richie, once asked, "So, is a dick pic is the new mixtape?" and the answer is yes, Nicole, a dick pic is in fact the new mixtape. There are one too many out there and they often aren't as great as the "artist" thinks that they are. At least Snapchat gives them a 10-second limit, saving your eyes the extra pain of staring at the little monsters while you go through the process of deleting it from your text messages. If you've ever wondered what goes through a girl's head after the initial shock of "What the actual fuck?", here it is for you boys.

1. Does he think this turns me on? There are a lot of ways to turn on a girl: fix your hair or your watch. Maybe bite your lips or grab her hips. A nice, intelligent conversation would also do the trick. There are a million other options that would do both of you a lot more good than snapping a pic of your dick and sending it her way. What guys don't know is that that actually has the exact opposite effect, they wanted to turn us on, but what they actually did is turn us off. Real quick.

2. Does he know how ugly those things are? Never in my life have I been getting busy with a guy and thought, "wow, what a masterpiece". No girl wants to look at your dick just to look at your dick. Honestly if we could somehow have sex and do other things without ever actually looking at it we would be pretty fucking happy.

3. How many other girls got this Snapchat? Lord knows, other than a boyfriend (who I hope does not send you dick pics), guys who send dick pics probably aren't the kind of guys who only have one girl they're sending it to. Dick picks are usually tied with, well... dick personalities. Chances are, at least one other girl got that snap. In fact, I know guys who will send their mini-mes to upwards of 4 girls. HAHAH gross.

4. Lol, does he think he gets a boob shot now? Because what you actually get is blocked from Snapchat, iMessage, and any other place one of those pics could pop up again. If girls wanted you to see their boobs, you'd see them, in person. No girl with self-respect is going to return your dick pic with a boob shot.

5. Why the hell did he actually think this was OK? Actually though, can we do a psychological experiment that figures out why guys do this? At what point did wiring in the male brain go so wrong that they thought we wanted a picture of one of the nastiest-looking things on this planet? Because newsflash: we don't.

6. ...? This represents those instances when you really just don't even know what to think. When things get so weird so quick and your mind literally cannot process it. For those, 0-100 situations.

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Texts You're Sending To Chicks That Instantly Show You're A Fuckboy

"You up?"

"Hey Stranger!"

These texts are usually sent during a dry spell. The guy is hoping against hope that this old flame can be rekindled to get him out of his drought.

"You going out tonight?"
This should be rephrased as, "Am I getting any tonight?"

"What are you wearing right now?"

This is one that really confuses me. Why do we guys ask this question? What do you hope to gain from it?

Unsolicited Dick Pics
Unsolicited dick pics were already spoken about at length over here. But yeah, the sending of dick pics is a definite sign that you're a fuckboy.

"When are we meeting up next?"
If she responds with "I'll let you know", she'll probably never let you know.

"I just got a new phone and all my contacts got deleted. Whose number is this?"
A blatant lie guys always use to reconnect with potential bangs. If all your contacts got deleted, how the hell do you still have the number?

"How are you? It's been a while!"
When girls get this, they're usually thinking: "It hasn't been long enough...."

"If you come, I'll make it worth your while!"
In other words, "If you come, I'm going to try and engage in intercourse with you."

Any text ending with the monkey face emoji.
The first page of the Fuckboy 101 manual reads: "must accompany any flirtatious message with the monkey face emoji covering his eyes."

"Send nudes".
Her response:

"You up?"
The desperate 2 a.m booty call every man must admit to have sent during college.

"You should come see me!"
Are you even trying at this point?

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The Five Stages of Receiving Nude Texts

If you're reading this, it's too LIT

It happened unexpectedly. I was sitting in the dining hall with my roommates when my phone buzzed. As I shoved the rest of a sandwich into my face hole, I reached into my pocket to check who it was. Little did I know, a pair of boobs would greet my eyes. What happened next was a 60 second emotional journey similar to what I think Vin Diesel feels in every Fast and The Furious movie. It was fuckin' nuts, and I am sure you will experience the same thing if and when you receive a nude.

Stage 1: Shit Is Lit

When you see that nude pic, you're going to act like a twelve-year-old at a sleepover. It's inevitable. Your body will be pure endorphins for 10 seconds. Enjoy the ride. Shit is lit as hell.

Stage 2: WTF?!

"Wait, why the fuck are they sending this to me? Sure, I jokingly asked for one, but I didn't think they would actually do it! What's happening?!" Howdy, my friend. You have entered the WTF stage: nothing makes sense and the Insane Clown Posse is still terrifying.

Stage 3: Show and Tell

After you escape the WTF phase, you're going to want to show everyone--even the rando you never talk to in your Poli Sci class.Whether or not this is your first nude text, you will feel the need to prove that this actually happened. Quick piece of advice: Don't do that. A nude is incredibly personal. The individual sending is entrusting you that their business is not shared, even though they sent it to you via the interwebs.

Stage 4: Arousal

This is pretty self-explanatory. Whether or not you wanted to receive a nude text, chances are you're going to feel a tinge of arousal. Your mind and body will be experiencing emotions quickly and uncontrollably. Even if the nude is not necessarily attractive, it'll prob go six to midnight.

Stage 5: Sus As Hell

After you go through this mental tidal wave, your brain will be exhausted. As the emotional dust settles, your mind will make one more sharp turn. The joy of seeing a naked body has almost certainly waned at this point. Delight has now turned to suspicion. "Is anybody looking at my phone right now? What if this is a prank? Oh, god what if someone steals my phone and sees this? I gotta get out of here!" What was originally lit is now sus. You will be bolting to the nearest private room, simultaneously trying to cover your boner.

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The Do's and Don'ts of Sexting

The only time I ever asked for a dic pic was to ruin someone's life.

I don't care what you're wearing, Jake from Statefarm. I just wanna know what you're gonna do to me after you throw my undies across the room. Here's the cutebutpsycho guide on sexting.

Do: Start off slow.
This seems obvious, but apparently a lot of people don't get it. Don't go right to a dicture. Follow the natural course of action. It's virtual foreplay.

Don't: Say stuff you wouldn't do in person.
Why would you, anyways? If you're not into butt stuff, why are you even bothering sexting someone about it? Sexting should be hot for you, right?

Do: Ask questions if you're feeling shy.
It's easy if you're not on level Expert+. "What would you do to me if you were here?" "What would you want me to do?" "Would you wanna x, y, z?" "Oh would you like it if I x, y, z?"

Don't: Sext drunk.
I promise you. You'll ask for a finger in the butt or to fulfill your weirdest dark fantasy. (Mine is sexy gyno. Eek.) Just have your wits about you.

Do: Use these lines.
I'm going to tease you until you're begging for it.
I can't wait to ride you.
I love how it feels when you're inside me/I'm inside you.
Anything about foreplay.
I want to make you scream.

Don't: Use these lines.I'm gonna suck your dick like I'm mad at it.
You're my new daddy.
Spank me. (Unless you have prior knowledge he/she is into it. I'm a spanking-enthusiast. And I still wouldn't say this unless I was 100% sure.)
I wanna hug your penis. #amyschumer

Do: Use pictures... if you're a girl.
And you're over 18. He'll be beside himself--especially if it's impromptu. Send so many pics. I LOVE nudes. #sendmorenudes

Don't: Use pictures... if you're a guy
How can we make it any more clear? WE DON'T LIKE DICPICS. The only time I ever asked for a dicpic was to ruin someone's life.

Nothing ruins a mood like saying, "I want to suck your corxkj." What? And for the love of God, make sure you send it to the right person.

Don't: Reuse the same sexts.
It'll get annoying if you send the same sh*t over and over again. And even more annoying to recycle your go-to lines with different guys/girls. News flash: people talk.

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"Send Nudes" Or "Send Art"?

San Francisco's museum has you covered with the second part.

Art geek? Casual fan? Not that interested in art but looking for something fun to fill your time? The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art has you covered.

A year ago, the museum launched a phone number that people could text and receive a picture of a piece of art from their collection. The number has since shortened from a ten-digit number to a five-digit number as it began to need to handle higher volumes of requests.

How does it work?

You send the number "Send me _______". This can be a color, subject, mood or even an emoji--yes, an emoji. In return, the museum will text back a piece of art from its collection, along with the title, artist and date.

This one's my personal fave:

Actually, I stand corrected:

This shit is sick. I am a very, very casual art fan, but getting a bunch of pieces back based on a keyword is so cool and makes me much more invested in what I'm looking at.

The San Fran MOMA has so many pieces that it can only display five percent of its collection at a time, while the bot has the entire collection at its metaphorical fingertips. You can probably do this for days and still never see all of it, tbh.

If this is the museum's plan to make more people care about art, I think it'll totally work. Getting something sent specifically to what you asked for is way more interesting than just walking past a piece and playing "art or haphazard paint splatters?".

The number is 572-51, and it's green text (ugh), so just be careful about text message charges (does anybody even worry about those anymore, though?).