It's A Funny (BJ) Story
College Life |  Source: N. Leeper, Shutterstock

It's A Funny (BJ) Story

Bit off more than I could chew.

As a college student, one of the biggest insecurities we have is being good in bed.

How do we know if we are? Well, in most cases, the person you're with will tell you you are (whether they lie or not is up to them) and/or it will somehow yet unsurprisingly get back to you.

And in my case, I sure as hell hope that this story won't circulate throughout my town, finding its way to me. I'm sharing it with you though to let you know that you're not alone; we all have embarrassing moments while getting groovy. We're young and dumb sometimes, and we learn from our mistakes. Or so I like to think.

After returning home from an eventful school year, I met up with a good friend. We hooked up in the past, and we caught up after not seeing each other for a while. It was nice talking at one of our favorite restaurants and hanging out.

Although we didn't plan on spending the night together (or hooking up), we ended up in my bed wrapped up in each other's arms into what led to some good ole fashion Netflix & Chill. Because we had been together before, we knew each other's weaknesses. Next thing I knew I was transported to a year ago.

Our hookup was comfortable and fun. I felt safe and good about it. But I wasn't ready for round two as fast as my friend was. So I did the work as he got to lie down and relax. Play hard, work harder, am I right?

It'd been a little while since I went down, and I'm not gonna lie, I felt a little awkward - rusty even. I must've gotten in my head (no pun intended) about maintain a rhythm swallowing, because before I knew it, there was saliva on his hip and a small pile of vomit on the pillow next to it. FML.

Why me?

I was beyond embarrassed, and he went soft literally seconds after. I felt so bad and told him it wasn't his fault. My gag reflex just wasn't at its prime in that moment. It truly was a physical reflex! I had to give him a shirt and hopped into the shower ASAP, trying to forget what just happened.

He left shortly after I cleaned up. Yes, I did have to shampoo twice.

We haven't hooked up since, but it's one of the most memorable hookups yet. My advice to my fellow gal pals is to seriously know your limits when it comes to going down town. I tried to impress him by going further than I could, and it truly bit me in the ass.

Be grateful boys; we're doing you the favor.

We all have our moments, and remember that even if you do screw up: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

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If Someone Passes Out and You Can't Wake Them Up...

Call 911.

Last week, Hanna Lottritz, a journalism student at the University of Nevada, Reno wrote a blog post about what happened while she suffered from acute alcohol intoxication. The post went viral.

"I was in critical condition, suffering from acute respiratory failure and acute alcohol intoxication. My blood alcohol concentration was .41 when I arrived at the hospital, five times over the legal limit. The doctors thought I was brain dead because I was completely unresponsive. My pupils were sluggishly reactive, I had no corneal reflex and I wasn't responding to verbal or painful stimuli. I finally woke up about 24 hours after I arrived at the hospital. I had a tube down my throat and my hands were restrained so I couldn't pull it out. I was unable to talk with the tube down my throat, making it hard to tell my parents and the nurses that it was extremely uncomfortable. I had to pass a respiratory test to prove I could breathe on my own before they removed it. I failed the first respiratory test I took, and I had to wait several hours to take another test. When I passed the second test and the tube was taken out, the doctors and nurses told me how lucky I was to be alive. They told me that they didn't think I would make it through the night. They asked me if I was trying to kill myself by drinking so much."

Hanna emphasises two points in her blog. The first was that she had no idea that this could happen to her. Second, that her friends saved her life.

If someone you're boozing with falls asleep and you can't wake them up or they pass out: Call 911. You won't get in trouble and it could mean saving their lives.

We all have had a lot more than five drinks in one night, or been with someone who has. Keep count of your drinks and if someone is in trouble, call for help.

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College Life |  Source: N. Leeper

#BestBootAndRallyStory The Football Game

Tossing the cookies.

Have you ever been nervous for something? A first date? A test you haven't studied much for? Feeling anxious or on edge are all emotions we've experienced at one time or another.

For some, playing in a big game, or participating in sports in general, brings about these feelings. So it's safe to say starting in your first collegiate football game against your biggest school rival would be something to be a little nervous about.

Now usually the best boot-and-rally stories involve alcohol and persevering through the sickness, in hopes of having an incredible night. Well, my story is different.

The moment I woke up, I had butterflies in my stomach. I knew I had to perform well for us to win. I also knew there would be a big crowd in attendance. I was a sophomore and this was my first start. Adding all these factors together, I can admit I was excited and very nervous at the same time.

Fast-forward to the moments before kick-off.

I'm on the sidelines as the National Anthem is about to start. I probably got to the "broad stripes and bright stars" part of the song before I felt it coming. Yes, here comes the boot part of the story.

I sprinted to the nearest trashcan that was conveniently located right in front of all of our cheerleaders. I was too busy going H.A.M to hear the "ohhhhhhhhhhhhh" from the crowd or see the cheerleaders screaming in disgust. Nor did I care. I felt so much better.

After I finished, I looked up and saw everyone staring at me. I wiped my mouth, took a drink of water, strapped on my helmet, and got ready to handle business.

I ended having a pretty decent game and we won so I guess I rallied pretty well, if I do say so myself. My reputation with the cheerleaders, however, was tarnished.


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Confessions of a College Asshole Ep. 12

Lying, Cheating and General Douchebaggery

As graduation nears, it is now time for me to be reborn as a less assholic version of myself. To any ex-girlfriends, former booty calls, or botched hookups, I want you to know I didn't forget about you. At least, I think I didn't. What better way to end Season 1 of Confessions of a College Asshole (I'm convinced I'll have plenty of relapses) than with a bunch of haikus for every girl I've fucked?

1. You were the first one
Your mom's minivan was hot
The sex? Not so much

2. It sounded too good
'One last summer of just fun'
Heartbreak isn't fun

3. You would wave to me
When you saw me on campus
I stopped waving back

4. We broke up as friends
At least, that's what I had thought
Three years and no words

5. I said I loved you
That wasn't, like, super true
You were my rebound

6. Your best friend liked me
I got her to sign a note
'Permission to fuck'

7. We talked first, I think
Or maybe we talked after
Maybe not at all

8. On Valentine's Day
You lost your virginity
You could have told me

9. This was a show-mance
We should've fucked at the end
A rookie mistake

10. Six months of no sex
Made me last about as long
As this here haiku

11. Repeat after me:
'No more virgins, you dumbass'
At least she was French

12. I guess I fucked you
'Cause I missed America
A true patriot

13. You thought I was fun
And I thought you were sexy
I guess that's enough

14. My grandfather died
Right after our one night stand
Shouldn't have told you

15. I always wanted
To fuck an older woman
Better in my head

16. Never really thought
I would get the chance to say
'Just like your sister'

17. We would hike all day
And then we would fuck all night
Too bad summer ends

18. I made up some lie
About not being ready
I just wanted sex

19. Craziest big boobs
Like way bigger than my head
Damn, I still love boobs

20. My boner faded
But I still popped your cherry
You said it counted

21. We had a great date
Helping at the soup kitchen
Glad you're still my friend

22. I wrote you letters
And you fucked another dude
How was it my fault?

23. Creepy pillow talk
And some weed paranoia--
You know how it is

24. I only liked you
When I was fucked up on drugs
I was an addict

25. You met my girlfriend
The night after we hooked up
Thank you for lying

26. Now California
Only reminds me of you
You made it golden

27. Jesus Christ, you suck
But I was bored and lonely
And you were just there

28. You helped me get back
At number two on this list
Now you both hate me

29. You called me a douche
You used me for my body
Like I gave a shit

30. I loved you a lot
And I think I always will
Even as my friend

Until next time, Flockers.

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College Life | 

Sunday Confessions of a College Asshole Episode 3

Lying, cheating and general douchebaggery

Episode 3: Pre-Soak

Let's flashback to November of freshman year for a second, shall we? I was getting comfortable with my new life, Julie Baker and I were on one of our infamous breaks, and I was living in a dorm with literally hundreds of girls. Anyone reading will come to the obvious conclusion: I was slaying. WRONG. I had unwisely decided to grow a fucking mustache for "No Shave November" and I had zero people interested in touching my penis. Not one. I was being cock-blocked by my own upper lip.

Just when things were at their most dire, I bumped into this girl Michelle when we were both doing laundry. Was Michelle my type? No. Was she funny? Not really. Was she smart? I didn't give her a fucking IQ test, I don't know. So what did Michelle have going for her you may ask? Well she was apparently the No. 1-ranked collegiate squash player, but even more than that: she liked my moustache. I'm not one to fall for flattery too often but as soon as she said, "Cool mustache," my knees went weak.

We had both just started our loads (LOL) so I knew that I had the 45 minutes of wash and the 60 minutes of drying to seal the deal. The first 45 minutes played out like the beginning of a rom-com with tons of laughing, flirting, and accidental touching. Things were progressing, but just not quickly enough. We were both transferring to the dryer, and then I asked her to come up to my room to "listen to music," which was basically 2012's version of "Netflix and Chill." She looked me over, seemingly making up her mind, and I sexily rubbed my fingers across my gross lip and she was mine.

Mustache-Loving Michelle didn't miss a beat; she reached behind me, locked the laundry room door and went to town. After sex, we had a solid 54 minutes until our laundry was done (Frosh Trevor just didn't have that good stamina). It was awkward to say the least.

The take away is that dryer sex is v fun, but an hour long commitment to sit around afterward is not. See you next Sunday.

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College Life |  Source: @ju13ly

The One Where I Fucked in a Storage Closet

Cleaning supplies in the near vicinity doesn't necessarily mean it's clean.

Here's what happened: I don't think it will come as a surprise to any of you that I was maybe not completely sober when this particular hookup occurred. I'm down to hook up in some pretty obscure places, clearly because this is like my 800th post in this series about places I've fucked, but never would I have soberly chosen to hook up in a place that stored toilet paper and Windex.

My friends and I went out to a bar where we usually had a good time, but for whatever reason on that particular night it was kind of a drag. We decided to leave and reconvene on the corner to discuss what the next move was. I'd also like to mention we had heavily pregamed before going out and finished a couple of drinks in the previously mentioned bar.

A few minutes into standing outside the bar this group of guys came up to us. It just so happened that a couple of them had graduated from the same school as my friend. We ended up splitting an Uber with them and headed to a new bar. This bar was relatively chill, we got a couple drinks, chatted with our new friends, and then left to walk to a third bar.

This third bar was by far one of the strangest places I had ever been. It was a super small venue, but it also left you wondering if maybe you were at a club. The strobe lights flashed and the EDM music blared over a sea of dancing bodies. We decided to join them.

After a couple more beers and dancing with one of the guys we had met, he grabbed me by the hand and lead me down the back hallway where the bathrooms were. We tried to open a couple of those, but they were locked. On our drunken stumble back to the dance floor, he tried one more random door, and we were in.

We flipped on a light to see exactly what room we had found ourselves in and gave each other an amused smirk when we realized it was the cleaning supplies storage closet that must have accidentally been left unlocked. We didn't care though.

We were all over each other, making out and running our hands all over each other's bodies. He was pulling my head back with my hair to kiss my neck and we ended up fucking right there in the middle of a sea of cleaning supplies. Although I must confess, our level of drunkenness combined with the clutter of the closet meant a lot of banging around and a little bit of clumsiness.

Here's what I learned:

1. Drunk people will hook up anywhere.

Literally, anywhere. It's one thing to find yourself fucking in a bathroom, but it's another to find yourself fucking in a place where you had to be cautious not to kick over the bucket of dirty mop water (not kidding). I think that this was only one step above hooking up in a truck stop bathroom and the funny thing is that at the time I did not give a damn. I just wanted to fuck this guy.

2. Funny sex makes for great memories.

As ridiculous as this hookup was and as much as I question my judgement, it was pretty laughable the next morning. My friends still give me shit about it; and I clearly thought it was entertaining enough to share with you guys now.

3. Sometimes you just have to see where the night takes you.

My friends and I had absolutely no expectations for this night. We went out intending to grab a drink at one of our regular spots and wound up running around New York City with a group of guys we ran into on the street, (which now that I think about it doesn't sound too safe). Moral of the story here is that letting the powers that be piece together your night for you make for a night worth remembering.

Would I do it again:

LOL, definitely not, at least not soberly. The setting just wasn't super ideal. There was no where to lean; we kept bumping into shelves; and even though it was full of cleaning supplies, it still felt a little unsanitary. Not to mention this time the fear of getting caught wasn't exciting at all. I was honestly a little nervous someone would hear us only to barge in mid fuck and kick us out of the club.