On the first night, the contestants roll up to the mansion in electric cars instead of limos because...
Each and every contestant is a model, and most of them are blonde.
Leo immediately sends anyone over the age of 25 home.
The women, per Leo's request, only ever wear bikinis at the mansion. In a shocking twist, Leo also requests to have the Fantasy Suite open every single night.
All of the one-on-one and group dates consist of going to the hottest clubs, partying on yachts, citibiking around town, volunteering to save sea turtles, and watching Leo's favorite scenes from his movies while he re-enacts them... but mostly just a lot of clubbing.
On their first trip, Leo and the ladies travel deep into the Indonesian rain forest and camp there to save orangutans and protest deforestation. Within 24-hours, four women reach their breaking points while braving the harsh conditions and voluntarily leave the show. Then, after another public battle with the Indonesian government, Leo is kicked out of the country and never allowed back.
So Leo takes the contestants and spends the rest of the season yachting in the Mediterranean with them. J. Lo and Rihanna (Leo's close friends and boo boos) both make appearances on the boat.
It is finally down to the final three. The women meet the most important person in Leo's life, his mother, and none of them get along with her. This may or may not be because Leo breaks the news that he will carry on his tradition of bringing Mommy Dearest as his plus-one come award season.
"Maybe you can tag along with us to the Kid's Choice Awards!" Leo says in an attempt to console his crying model girlfriends.
Scandal erupts during the finale when the crowd favorite contestant confesses she does not believe in global warming, or science for that matter. Leo breaks down in an emotional one-on-one talk with Chris Harrison, comparing the situation to his "1996 rendition of Romeo and Juliet." He then goes off on a tangent, discussing every tragic love story he has ever acted out, and forgets all about his heartbreak.
When it comes time to ask the other finalist for her hand in marriage, Leo gets down on one knee and, instead of a ring, reveals that he is holding his Oscar award.
In a truly moving speech, Leo proclaims that he could never put anyone over his one true love--acting.
Viewers everywhere somehow fall even harder for the eternal Bachelor.