A Guide To The DMs
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A Guide To The DMs

How does it actually go down in the DMs?

Let's be real. Who wouldn't wanna get DMs? A person deciding to hit you up based purely upon your physical attractiveness must be flattering, right? As someone who gets very few DMs (0), I decided to speak with other attractive people to find out what it's like to get DMs on a regular basis.

(Names changed to protect identities and all that good stuff)

First I spoke with Rachel, a 20-year old college student. Rachel reports getting DMs almost daily, and doesn't usually respond to ones from random people. She differentiated between DMs from random guys and DMs from her friends, saying her friends "DM each other funny tweets and videos that [they] see" while random boys "message [her] creepy things".

Okay fellas, listen up and listen closely. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, DM a random girl something sexual. I'm very sure it counts as sexual harassment and it's really weird. As you can see from the screenshots below, these guys didn't get that message. Do you really think a girl is going to respond "yes please" to your offer to eat her "groceries." Um, probably not chief.

Interestingly enough, Rachel finds the weird DMs you guys send her funny because she knows that you're all likely losers with little to no self-confidence. Basically, if your opening line is asking a girl to sit on your face, you're not only weird, you're super pathetic. Maybe try a more subtle opener, like "Hey, you're cute" or "Hey, I'd like like to get to know you better." But, if offering to go down on girls is working for you (it definitely isn't) then, by all means, do your thing.

However, when asked what she would do when presented with a sexual DM from a someone she found attractive, Rachel did say she would respond if they weren't too creepy. While that may give some of you hope, she's definitely talking about people a lot more attractive than you and I. All this being said, while I absolutely do not support creepy DMs, I am in favor of y'all shooting your shot.



Now for the other perspective. I don't know a single guy who wouldn't want to get DMs from girls. I got to kick it with my more attractive friend Axel to find out just how cool getting DMs is.

To give you some perspective, Axel is the type of guy that girls will come up to you and ask if you can introduce them to him. Yes, I've been used before. Yes, I will be used again. No, it doesn't get any less annoying.

To be fair, Axel is relatively humble about it, revealing that he gets DMs from girls about every two weeks or so. Honestly, he got DM'd as we spoke about the topic of this article. He admits that most of the girls aren't very cute, so we can't be too jealous.

For the most part, girls usually just ask to hang out, so, guys, don't expect any sexual messages popping up in your inbox. Girls, y'all are doing just fine, keep it up. The most creative DM Axel has received involved a girl messaging him on Trivia Crack when he didn't respond to her text message.

Pause.

I don't care who you are. Desperation is never a good look. As if getting ignored the first time wasn't bad enough, this girl went to the most extreme lengths and still got left on read. I didn't even know people could send messages on games like that. But, hey, that's why there's levels to this shit, huh?

Now, I did ask Axel if he'd ever sent any DMs of his own, and he is guilty of shooting his shot. However, unlike the some of you weirdos, he only does it AFTER he's already met the girl, and maybe didn't get a chance to get her number.




So the moral of this story is? Shoot your shot, but just don't be weird about it.

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Sex & Relationships | 

10 Girls Every Guy Will Sleep With

Which one are you?

While I'm pretty much an expert on the guys us ladies will sleep with - I'm also pretty knowledgeable in what kind of ladies you guys will sleep with. Just call me the "College Sex Guru", because that's pretty much what I am.

I know who you're going to fuck before you even know who you're going to fuck. I normally focus on lists that my fellow females can identify with, but I'm trying to promote gender equality here too, you know. How could I leave out my boys?

1. The stage-10 clinger. I'm just going to warn your right now boys, you're going to sleep with a girl who is then going to cling onto you with her life. Hate to break it to you, but it's pretty much solely because you guys hooked up.

She was probably a stage seven clinger pre-fuck (which is still pretty high), but to a girl like that, sex translates to love. To her, love is expressed by suffocating you with attention and neediness. Tread lightly and try to spot this girl before she grabs hold.

2. The girl from the bar. I always add someone from the bar to list, because it's true. The moment your bar life begins, you are destined to take someone home. I don't care who you are, it will happen. You'll send her a drink or if you're lucky she'll make the move.

Either way, you'll both be taking an Uber to your place, trying to keep your hands to yourself the whole ride. Live it up, my friend. Going home with the girl from the bar is just a part of life.

3. The "I slid into her DMs." I am actually going to force you to take a lie detector test if you say you've never hit a girl up on social media. Almost all guys have sent a DM in their life. I've gotten them from the hometown weirdo and the sexy collegiate quarterback, if you need further evidence that no man is above the DM.

Us ladies also aren't blind to the fact that you're DMing us because you find us attractive, which also means we aren't blind to the fact that sex is on your mind. But hey, it's 2016. Social media and sex just go hand and hand at this point, so don't be too ashamed.

4. Crazy ex-girlfriend. Just like a girl will sleep with a loser ex-boyfriend at some point in her life, you will sleep with a crazy ex-girlfriend. It's the most natural thing to do and the oldest story in the book. How you reconnect, I don't know. Maybe it'll be a run-in at the bar or a drunk booty call. Either way, you will sleep with one of your exes at some point and immediately regret it.

5. The frat-rat. At every frat party on any given night you can be sure to spot at least five frat rats. These are the girls who should be way over getting shit-faced in dark basements with sweaty douche-lords, but still find themselves tagging "Kappa Sig" or "Beta Theta Pi" in all of their Instagrams. This works out really well for you guys in houses because these girls lives are pretty much centered around trying to fuck you.

6. The emotionally unstable girl. God bless you if this is your crazy ex-girlfriend who also happens to be the stage 10-clinger, because if so, you're fucked. The emotionally unstable girl comes in many forms but will be easy to spot. It's hard to miss this level of crazy. She'll cry after sex, send you a dramatic post-hook up text, or do any number of other WTF things. Try to keep these ladies at bay.

7. Miss Down For Anything. AKA Miss "you can put it in my ass, my mouth, or anywhere else you can find to stick that thing." Sorry, but she's a hoe. Her number is definitely high and there is a good chance she's already gone home with a guy or two that weekend.

You might as well take advantage of it if that's what you're into. It's her body and if she's willing to let you do whatever, I say you do whatever. Just try not to be an asshole.

8. The "one of the guys" girl. Every group has the one girl who bros out more than she bonds with the ladies. She's a guys-girl. She'll chug a beer and scream at the game just as loud as you will and at some point you'll look at her and go, "wait, you're a girl and I want to fuck you." And you will. The good thing about this girl is she is probably pretty chill and you'll both be able to move on without any serious friendship damage.

9. The hit-it-and-quit-it. Want to know how I know you'll sleep with this girl? Because I am this girl. I'm not talking about you hitting and quitting it either. I'm talking about her hitting and quitting it. She wants you to come (cum) and leave. Nothing against you, she's just looking for sex and nothing more. You should respect this girl for her honesty. If guys can do it, so can she.

10. Virgin. It's inevitable that at some point in your sex life you'll find yourself in the position of "deflowerer." There isn't much to say about this one. If it hasn't happened, it will. It's just how this shit goes. We all fuck a virgin at some point. Just make sure she's your own age, pal.

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Sex & Relationships | 

College Crush

You are Royally Fucked(TM).

This isn't something school related-I'm talking specifically about a romantic crush that occurs in college, a time when one would think they were over crushes. I thought I had left them behind in the halls of high school, but no. Here I am.

Because the heart wants what the heart wants or whatever. My brain says it's dumb, but my heart says, "Ha, you want that. Don't be fake."

So. Crushes.

It's weirder now because it's an environment that affords a lot less direct contact with the person. Like, it could be someone who sits kind of close to you in a lecture. Or a guy who shows up at the same parties. Or a girl you keep making small talk with in line in the dining hall.

And I dunno, even if you don't really know them to the point you're making friendship bracelets, they've got that quality that makes it hard to stop thinking about them. You know how you'll stare yourself in mirror when you're drunk, telling yourself to get it together? That's what crushing is like at 20.

Because at this point you feel like A) you've suffered enough with bullshit to be free from it and B) you're old enough that you feel like you can just Go For It, but you... Just. Can't. Your own emotions have rendered you impotent and you're like "OK, that's fine I guess." You can't even get it out of your system with a one-night stand, which is both annoying and terrifying.

There's really no way to stop/erase/solve a crush then to make a move and take a shot. And for some reason that feels so much scarier at 20 than it did at 12. Why? I don't know. I'm not sure I can verbalize it. More to lose? Memories of the way your middle school crush quite literally, crushed your heart? The one positive here is that you're in college; you can rip a few shots of courage and tell her. If she shoots you down, your schedule will change every few months and you'll never see her again. Just freaking go for it; slide into those DMs.

@Myself: leave me in peace!

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Sex & Relationships | 

All the Single (Senior) Ladies

Why you should consider underclassmen

As a single and horny upperclasswoman, it's easy to fall into the "woe is me" category as you make your way across campus through the throngs of fresh-out-of-high school boys that surround you. Just when you see some potential in that hot new guy in your econ class, you realize, "fuck, he's three years younger than me." And if you go to a small college of 3,500 students, like I do, it's already slim pickings. All the "good ones" are already taken by senior year, and at 21 years old I can't be caught making out with a freshman. I might as well join the celibacy club.

STOP AND TURN THAT ATTITUDE AROUND. By junior and senior year, you are literally QUEEN of the campus; why not take advantage of it? If you're just looking to fulfill your sexual needs, I highly recommend broadening your horizons. Some of my friends absolutely refuse to even think about a younger guy, and I say give it a chance! I've had my world (and bed) rocked by some guys that were younger than me.

Now I'm not saying to go out and hook up with any underclassman who attempts to slide in those DMs. (I didn't know that was actually a thing until five freshmen DM'd me last year... kids these days). If you do, that's cool too, but discretion and limits are advised.

You're older, more developed, and often times more experienced. You have so much power in these situations, and with great power comes great responsibility. You're basically the Spiderman of hookups. Getting a chance to hook up with you will be one of the highlights of their college careers. So if a younger guy really wants to make a move on you, it's easier for you to make them work for it.

Sure, the maturity level is often not there, which is to be expected. But realistically, most senior guys aren't too far ahead. The difference: underclassmen will do just about anything short of bowing at your feet. I received valentine's day and birthday presents from several freshmen last year that I had only talked to, not even hooked up with, purely because they were swooning from even just the slightest attention.

The trick is to milk it up, but also be wise about the amount of times you shut them down for "other plans". Because when you're at the top of the social totem pole, you get to call the shots (in bed) which is a major plus, but a few will catch on to any games (in my experience, most don't. Or just don't care, because it's you). Instead of feeling shitty about yourself afterwards like with some booty calls, they make you feel like the royalty you are. There are the occasional stage five clingers, who you need to drop immediately, but for the most part they are just eager to learn and satisfy an older woman.

I've also found there are far fewer dad bods at that age (the years of case races haven't caught up to them yet). I say if you find them attractive, what's the issue? You don't need to get cuffed to everyone you sleep with. You might break a few hearts along the way, but you're about to graduate soon. Why not have some fun, empowering sex in the time you have left.

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Sex & Relationships |  Source: makinggameofthrones.com

The Best #demthrones Tweets (Spoiler Alert)

GOT fans gone wild

As if our favorite Sunday night show could get any better, the Twitterverse has ignited a new viral hashag, #demthrones, which is no less than fire.

Spoiler Alert: If you watched the last episode of Game of Thrones, these tweets basically re-tell the episode. Hella spoiler alerts below.

Read on for the best #demthrones tweets.

When Sansa unleashes the starved hounds on Ramsay

The moment that RL coincides with GOT

That feeling when you realize you're in deep shit

When you are overcome with emotion because all of the hard work paid off

When politics and GOT are one in the same.

When you realize that Sansa is basically Bey

Slid into those DMs like...

*Eats popcorn and smirks* finally

Girl, bye

When you realize karma is real

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Sex & Relationships |  Source: L. Smith, shutterstock

My Dog Was InstaFamous

Being a single-dad-dog manager was ruff.

At the peak of his fame, my frenchie, Gerard, also known as @gerardthefrenchie, had a little over 3000 followers. I know today that that amount of followers is not super impressive, but two years ago it was... for a fucking dog.

Gerard had more followers than my entire family's social media platforms combined. I don't know if that furthers how impressive he is, or shines a light on how pathetic my family is.


Nonetheless, Gerard had a post with over 500 likes and during his insta-career had partnered with multiple international pet companies.

At home, we were getting packages in the mail with toys and dog supplies to be featured on his account, and yes this got to his head. I've never met a more pompous, sanctimonious pup in my entire life.

It was insane.

I would get home from school some days and there would be massive cardboard boxes filled with random-ass treats and chew toys. Gerard even had affiliate deals with Animal Hearted and Outward Hound. I had to actually create an email address for him so that he could be reached easily for future business offers.

Eventually he had two coupon codes for two different companies and my family had to actually have a sit down discussion to figure out which one to feature in his bio.

It was the strangest experience of my life. And it transferred over to both my high school and college experiences.

I had photos ready and hashtags and comments prepared the night before so I could post them quickly and efficiently throughout the school day. Managing his IG was taking over my school life.

And for this next part I don't know whether to be ashamed or proud, but I no lie used Gerard's photos, which I must say were pretty artsy for a dog's account, for my Higher Level International Baccalaureate Visual Arts project. Yes, I submitted a portfolio of photos of my dog wearing human clothing to an international academic institute. And the saddest part is that I did not fail.

My high school tried to use him to promote their admissions office and at UPenn, Gerard was interviewed at my school for a campus-wide publication called Bluff, where he was quite rude to the staff. My friends began to care more about my dog than about me. And that experience was felt by my other family members as well.

When my mom interviewed for a new job, she showed pics of her kids and dog to her colleagues, you know as you do. And I kid you not, deadass, one of her coworkers said "Is that Gerard The Frenchie?"

So yeah, the questions and comments we would get were weird AF.


But, the ones in person were nothing compared to ones we would get online. Humans, real life people, with like taxes and mortgages who also had dog accounts would propose to Gerard on behalf of their pets. We got love letters and the weirdest DMs. People would call him sexy and cute and such a stunner. And don't forget that all these notifications would show up on my phone. So I would get out of class sometimes and have the strangest, semi-sexual insta-comments on my feed.

Yet, all this fame and craziness was nothing compared to what happened one fateful day on June 25, 2016. On that day, not only did Gerard peak, but I did as well. It is sad, humbling, and psychologically confusing to reach your peak in life just because your dog was featured on @dogsofinstagram. His post garnered almost 60k likes. That is 60,000 likes. Sixty-thousand likes.

On that day my phone powered off at 45 percent. It was not prepared for the amount of likes and followers we would get from the shoutout. I think we made almost 500 followers that day and some of our photos grew by 40 percent. Our like-to-follower ratio also increased by almost 10%. Do you see how sad this is? This is the lingo my family would use on the daily. No longer did we say "I love you" to one another before we went to sleep, but we'd ask "How's the picture doing?" or "Try this hashtag tomorrow."

But seriously, I cried on that day. I shed motherfucking tears that my dog was featured on an Instagram account. And I don't know what this says about how much I value IG or our societal issues with social media, but I'm just putting all this out there so that is documented.

Unfortunately, since starting college, I have not seen Gerard as much so his IG account has sort of staggered off. However, the memories of being a single-dad-dog manager will always stick with me.