Confession: I Told My Roommate He Had a Small Dick
Sex & Relationships |  Source: N. Leeper, Shutterstock

Confession: I Told My Roommate He Had a Small Dick

It broke loose.

An ordinary day of classes. I had to go to my composition writing class at 9:30 AM. Brutal. This went until 10:50 AM, and I was already exhausted from all the homework and tests I needed to study for.

After the class was over, my friend and I walked back to our dorm. Once I got back, I opened the door and saw my roommate.

He was completely naked beating his meat. Then, I saw the fast motion ejaculation. The white spots were on the floor, one inch from my new Steve Maddens. It was disgusting, but what was way worse was that the size of his penis.

"You have a very small penis," I said. I was not disgusted with him masturbating, because that's what we all do, but over the fact that I never seen something so small in my entire life. It was the size of a double A battery.


After my comment, my roommate did not speak to me for three weeks straight. It was an awkward walking into the room and there being silence. I guess that comment to him was an insult, so I decided just to apologize to him for making fun of his penis size.

If you were in my situation and saw someone jacking off or playing with their toy, and see that it's small, you would be the one saying something real. I had to be real at that point, because if I want to have sex with a guy, he better not have a small one.

So my advice for you all is this: if you have a roommate that likes to masturbate, have a talk with them, so that way you won't walk in to see what I had to experience.

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How to Deal with Having a Small Penis

AKA what to do when your dick game is weak

I've had plenty of dudes talk to me about the problems they are having with their girlfriends because he can't satisfy her in bed due to... er, size problems. I don't know why people talk to me like this. I'm relatable I guess?

I've also heard the other end of it: many a female friend have approached me saying she's about to end things with a guy because he wasn't packing enough junk in the trunk. Can you relate? Then gather round, you've come to the right place.

If you've been dealt a short hand--and let's be honest, having a small dick is most definitely being dealt a short hand--in life, worry not, my friend. You can cope with having a small penis. It's not the end of the world. Yeah, I said it. Me personally, I don't have to deal with these problems. The good Lord above has blessed me with a package of sufficient size. Had to make that clear here. But for my brothers out there were not so equally #blessed, I'm here to do what bros do, give you some solid advice that will propel you to greatness in the bedroom.

Being born with a small dick shouldn't be game, set, match for your sex life. You've just got to make up for your deficiency in other areas. Your dick game is weak, but that's OK--you can cover for that in one of the most overlooked, yet vital, parts of the sex game: oral.

If your dick game is weak, you've got to make up for it with your tongue. It's the only way. You've got to pleasure your girl via that elusive, unidentifiable, mythical phenomenon known as the clitoris. Also, about 10 percent of women say they prefer oral sex to intercourse, while 35 percent say it's a necessary part of foreplay, so all is not lost. So don't be ashamed of your game, do it with your tongue.

So bro, make a game plan, know your limits, and stick to it. If you've got a girl and you want her to keep coming back for more, limit your penis time, and instead focus on using your tongue. Ask your girl to tell you what she likes and doesn't like and follow those cues. For real, just ask her.

Become a master of the clit, be proud of it, hell even make that your marketing strategy when hollering at chicks. (Obviously, don't walk into a bar and go up to a chick and say,"Ayo, you're gonna be appalled at the size of my cock, but I can promise you wondrous things with my tongue." Don't do that. But undersell and over-provide, if you get what I mean.

Remember, minimize dick time, maximize tounge time.

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Penises are gross.

Being a girl in the hook up world is not easy, amirite? Men seem to believe that everything they do is amazing, and us ladies have to lay there wondering wtf just happened and when we can call an Uber home.

Amanda has had ENOUGH and she finally loses it, scaring her roommate in the process. What was supposed to be a simple talk about boys turns into a dramatic rant and plea for help.

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Sex & Relationships |  Source: L. Smith, Shutterstock

Freshman Fears: The Roommate Roulette

Dorm life is like a box of chocolates, except if those chocolates were crazy.

When I was a freshman three years ago, moving into my new honors-only dorm, I was super excited to meet up with my new roommate! I'd been dumb and lonely enough to select the random roommate option. Looking back on it now, that dorm situation was not worth it at all. Now that I'm a senior I can totally say that I would've enjoyed freshman year way more if I'd just stuck to my gut and looked for friends in the area. But I wanted to be a rebel and move to a completely different town than where I grew up, so, this is what I got. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Anyways, let me tell you about my freshman fears: two freakishly terrible roommates who were each horrid in their own way. It's like my RA wanted me to fail.

Enter Roommate 'A.' A was a huge hockey fanboy. So huge that when I moved in at the beginning of the year, arriving in from my hometown, all of his hockey gear was all over my side of the already tiny room. The worst part was that he wouldn't shut up about hockey, and going out to support local clubs and teams. Even up when I was crazy enough to try to work a normal sleeping schedule. I get it, really, having local pride, but we're smack dab in the middle of the desert here. I get that you don't get much privacy in the dorm life, but he was that mix of preppy and annoying that it almost made me consider dropping out. Or at least, moving to a different room. But he just disappeared early November and I literally never saw him since, except for when I thought he moved out because after Thanksgiving weekend, all his stuff was gone and I had a room to myself. Sweet.

January arrived and so did Roommate 'B.' My RA didn't let me know that another guy was moving into my room, so I was already irritated when he came. And like 'A,' he wouldn't shut up about the games he played on his laptop. He'd always go on and on about why I should be playing like him (and take it from him, he's only changed majors three times). The worst part was that he would butt into my circle of friends and let himself into conversations he had no part in, and all he'd talk about was what he cared to talk about. Talk about being the worst.

May couldn't have come any faster and as fast as Roommate B came, he disappear.

But, that taught me one thing: move in with folks you know. I was lucky enough to move in with a good bunch of friends the next year in a tiny little apartment and we made it work. I had so much more fun, I was more comfortable, and more importantly I was spending much less money on paying up the dorm rent. Seriously, you can probably pay for double the space in an apartment near campus with the money you're forking up. So take it from me, either go get a place with your friends, or go it alone. Or if you've got the dough to shell out for a single room deal on campus, do that.

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Sex & Relationships |  Source: N. Leeper, Shutterstock

I Hate People And I'm Looking For A Roommate

Ew, people.

Yes, I know. Contradictory, right?

But I literally have no choice. I'm on a bazillion and a half scholarships, which means I don't have money to pay double to room by myself. Hell, even ramen was expensive for me at some point during winter semester of freshman year - I was buying the off-brand, no-name, expensive-for-no-reason-because-it-tastes-like-burnt-grass stuff.

So how do you choose a roommate if you're slightly on the antisocial side of the spectrum? You don't.

Actually, you do... kinda.

If your university allows you to pick your own roommate, ask around and see if any of your (FEW!) friends needs one. If one of them says yes, there you go. You're saved from having a horrible roommate situation.

Well, hopefully. I know some people who roomed with one of their friends and swore to God they'd never do it again.

If your university, for some inhumane reason, DOESN'T allow you to choose your own roommate, the first thing to do is sit in a corner and cry, then wipe your tears and shake it off.

The next best thing to do is to grab a notebook and a pen, or a pencil if you're a constant mistake-maker like me (no, seriously. I could MAKE sheets of paper out of the amounts of White-Out tape I've used in my lifetime).

OK, now that you've got school supplies in front of you, use it to make a list of things that a roommate could do that would piss you off.

You've got a few options here:

1. If your list is ridiculously long, take a second and third and 57th look at the issues you wrote down, and make sure that those issues are actually things to get bent out of shape for - if you're not sure, ask your friends and family what they think.

Also, ask yourself, "Should I really be mad about this, or is this mayyyybe not such a big deal?"

2. Use your sensational ability to imagine scenarios that have a 0.00000001% chance of happening to create a situation in which your roommate has done one of the things on your list. If there's no one in your house - because who needs to be seen shouting at nothing - physically act out the scene.

Pretend that your roommate is standing right in front of you. Really get into it; feel the anger.

Blow up at the air exactly like you would if you were going off on your roommate. Felt good, right?

Saying everything that's on your mind and not getting in trouble for it? OK. Now that you've done that, take a deep breath and sit back down.

Now, evaluate your response and think of what you could've done differently, if anything. Was there something you said that probably shouldn't have been said? Could you have been calmer about the situation? Was it really something to go off on your roommate for?

Write down a few different ways to handle the situation in case it does happen. That way, you're prepared (hopefully) for anything your roommate could throw at you.

3. If you know your anger has a tendency to flare up, practice some breathing techniques, like the 4-7-8 (inhale for four seconds, hold it for seven, exhale for eight).

There's also several meditation and relaxation apps to choose from if you feel that helps you.

And if all else fails, just avoid your room like the plague.

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Sex & Relationships |  Source: L. Smith, Shutterstock, Johnny Bravo

Confession: I Told Guys They Had Nice Jawlines

Ooh la la.

It was fraternity recruitment, the week where potential new guys rush for a fraternity. A fraternity they want to join for all the parties and get all the girls. For sororities, it's a two-week process where girls try to impress the sorority they would die to be in.

Recruitment is like when incoming freshmen visit college. They go to each college to decide if it is the right school for them, while for Greek life, it's about the social scene and philanthropy events. Some fraternities have the best philanthropy, where they raise money for this and that foundation. Some have the best parties. When they have recruitment, they have to see which guy is right for their house.

During recruitment, we have to go up and put ourselves out there. For me, it was like talking to as many boys I can. My frat tells me how I am like a sorority girl you will see on campus with my Starbucks Iced Passion Tea Lemonade and a trendy outfit. I always flip my pretend hair behind my ear and off the shoulder. I always check out the boys from a far distance. Fraternity boys at school were so muscular and had a nice butts. I would stick my tongue out when I saw them in their tank tops. I wasn't your ordinary frat boy, I was a sorority girl trapped in a boy's body.

I walked up to this boy who looked like a Calvin Klein model. He had a slim-straight physique like me, but with wavy brunette hair and an impeccable jawline. He was telling me what he was looking for in a fraternity and I only paid attention to his jawline, not his answer. He was beautiful. Scratch that, he was a bad boy. I saw the tattoos on his arm and I was in love.

Everything about this boy is perfect.

"You have a nice jawline, by the way," I said.

"Thank you, I get that a lot," he responded, nodding his head and smirking back at me.

The guy who was in charge of taking potential new members to each house was telling everyone that time's up, and that they need to head to another house. As we both shook hands, he gave me a smile and I smiled back. He was so cute. He could have been the man of my dreams.

When the next group came in, I greeted every boy. Then, another guy with a nice jawline came in once again.

"Hi I'm Larry... by the way, you have a really nice jawline," I said to the new guy.

"Um, ok, thanks," he responded. One of my frat bros walked away and told others I was ruining recruitment. "Zeke told one guy he had a nice jawline, and that's an automatic 'not interested in this frat'," he said.

Can't I compliment someone on their jawline? Regardless of guy or girl, if you're cute, then you're cute. I'm not going to stop complimenting people on their physical features. I need a boyfriend who is beautiful and has a personality like the guy I met from recruitment.