4 Tips To Keep You From Sending Drunk Texts
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4 Tips To Keep You From Sending Drunk Texts

Put the phone down.

I know you're embarrassed right now. You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach like you just committed a crime. It probably feels like you'll never get past this but I promise you it will be alright.

There is nothing worse than waking up in the morning and seeing the drunk text you shouldn't have sent. It happens to the very best of us and I assure you it will probably happen again. Your mind starts racing, you feel pathetic and all these thoughts make you want to start drinking again.

If you haven't had this happen to you, then you haven't lived. It's normal to have urges to do things you usually don't do, especially after a few too many drinks.

Whether it's an ex, a promising crush or a friend with benefits, it's bound to happen. Or in my most recent case, a drunk email to a professor I had in my first semester of college, asking how she'd been. Don't know how that one happened.

So we all need a few tips on how to stop ourselves from going through such a traumatic event.

Delete their number.
You're not just gonna wake up one morning and magically decide to stop drinking on weekends. Holding back from sending out drunk texts is a weekly struggle. Just rip off the bandaid and go cold turkey. Get this person out of your life.

Call your mom.
The whole reason most people drunk text is out of loneliness. Give your mom a call and have a nice conversation. Plus, your mom will be pissed if you go over your data texting all these thots, so you might as well just talk to her.

Have real conversations.
Get off your phone and actually talk to someone while you're out. Engage in some sort of conversation. This will distract you.

Completely smash your phone.
Hey, you can't drunk text someone if you can't read your screen. This one may be a little extreme, but I guarantee you won't be sending any risky texts ever again. Just make sure you already have your plans for the night made because no one is gonna be reaching you.

They actually have apps for this.
Yes. In 2017 they actually have apps that stop you from sending out embarrassing drunk texts. What a world. Drunk Mode and Drunk Text Savior are here to help.

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Texts You're Sending To Chicks That Instantly Show You're A Fuckboy

"You up?"

"Hey Stranger!"

These texts are usually sent during a dry spell. The guy is hoping against hope that this old flame can be rekindled to get him out of his drought.

"You going out tonight?"
This should be rephrased as, "Am I getting any tonight?"

"What are you wearing right now?"

This is one that really confuses me. Why do we guys ask this question? What do you hope to gain from it?

Unsolicited Dick Pics
Unsolicited dick pics were already spoken about at length over here. But yeah, the sending of dick pics is a definite sign that you're a fuckboy.

"When are we meeting up next?"
If she responds with "I'll let you know", she'll probably never let you know.

"I just got a new phone and all my contacts got deleted. Whose number is this?"
A blatant lie guys always use to reconnect with potential bangs. If all your contacts got deleted, how the hell do you still have the number?

"How are you? It's been a while!"
When girls get this, they're usually thinking: "It hasn't been long enough...."

"If you come, I'll make it worth your while!"
In other words, "If you come, I'm going to try and engage in intercourse with you."

Any text ending with the monkey face emoji.
The first page of the Fuckboy 101 manual reads: "must accompany any flirtatious message with the monkey face emoji covering his eyes."

"Send nudes".
Her response:

"You up?"
The desperate 2 a.m booty call every man must admit to have sent during college.

"You should come see me!"
Are you even trying at this point?

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3 Signs You're Undateable

I'm rarely on speaking terms with myself.

Throughout high school and college, I've been friends with some girls who always have a boyfriend. They love being in committed relationships and that's okay. I happen to be the exact opposite - never had a boyfriend, never been on a date.

Now I'm not saying I'm a Victoria's Secret model, but by no means am I ugly or completely undesirable. Yet, here I am with no boyfriend and not even a boy that I'm "talking to."

I've messed up any chances I possibly had with all guys within a week (I could probably attribute that to my wild ways when I'm drunk). Here are 3 signs that you, like me, are undateable.

You've had to delete texts to a boy the morning after going out because you can't bear to look at them.
Hey, we all have those nights. I happen to have them like three times a week, but it's good, I'm good. Sometimes the alcohol just takes over and the last boy you thought about more than once becomes your conquest for the evening.

You text them once, not yet in your blackout phase, and the next thing you know it's the next morning and you have four outgoing (NO incoming - let's clarify) calls and like seven texts to "Mike Sig Chi."

Don't bother reading them, delete the conversation, and it never happened (right?). If you're super crafty like me, your drunk persona will delete them for you so you don't know it happened until your friends tell you they had to take your phone from you the night before.

Anyone interested in you instantly turns you off.
You hook up with that cute guy you've had your eye on and think it's gonna be great - like hey maybe I'll finally have a boy to hang out with! He hits you up the next night with that, "you goin' out?" and instead of feeling happy and excited you're like, "oh GOD, no."

This has happened to me too many times to count. The second someone is mildly interested in me, I cannot fathom the idea of having more than a friendly conversation with them. It is honestly sad. The more they like me, the more I loathe them. Eventually, for my sake, I hope this subsides because honestly, it sucks.

You're enjoying yourself.
Nothing against dating, I'm sure it's awesome but if you're having trouble finding someone while you're in college, it's okay. You will eventually stop being wild when you're drunk, and you will eventually find someone you want to see Saturday night and Sunday morning.

For the time being, you may honestly be too busy enjoying your own freedom. Don't get too caught up in not having a boy, learn to enjoy the short amount of time you have to not be tied-down. Being single is fun, college is fun, enjoy it.

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10 Struggles of Getting Ready for a Night Out After Day Drinking

Does that even match? Who really cares, right?

One of the hardest parts about day drinking and being a female is getting ready to go out for the night, while already being drunk. If you've ever tried to shower, shave, and apply winged eyeliner while under the influence, you know what I'm talking about.

We've all been there. You started drinking at noon for a tailgate, a beach day, or just for the hell of it and by 6 p.m., it's time to get ready to go out cause your favorite club at school has free cover for ladies before 10, you gotta get there in time!

While you're plastered from a day filled with binge drinking and cornhole, you are faced with the elaborate task of getting fully ready for a night out when all you actually wanna do is take a "nap" and probably not wake up until the next morning. Keeping up with the college lifestyle isn't always easy.

1. You're literally so tired
After a day of pounding beers and taking shots, it seems like the reasonable thing to do would be to go to sleep just like you would after a night out. But no, you're gonna force yourself to rally no matter how miserable you truly feel!

2. Showering is dangerous
Your hair is pretty nappy from being blown around by the wind all day and there's probably some beer in there too. You gotta get cleaned up, but a drunk shower is no easy feat, especially when you have to shave. Drunk shaving is extremely dangerous, but sometimes you can't avoid it, just like the numerous razor cuts that are about to cover your legs and maybe any other area that needed to be cleaned up.

3. Making plans
You're trying to text your girls in order to finalize plans whilst being drunk, what could go wrong? Everything in your texts are spelled incorrectly, but luckily your friends are either used to this or also drunk and are able to decode what would seem like gibberish to other people.

4. Trying to eat
You can't go out on an empty stomach but you're in no condition to cook a four-course meal. Looks like dinner is a bag of chips! Healthy right?

5. Makeup is complicated
This is by far the hardest challenge. Trying to do a full face of makeup while drunk is something that can only be accomplished by the most dedicated of partiers. Contouring and winged eyeliner are hard enough to do perfectly while sober, so adding alcohol to the mix only makes it that much harder. Keep your makeup remover handy because you probably will have to start over more than once until you don't look like a 12-year-old who just started experimenting with mom's makeup supplies.

6. Take caution to curling irons
If you're lucky enough to like your natural hair and wear it out then, this step isn't a problem for you, but for the girls who choose to curl or straighten their hair before going out are gonna be in for a world of hurt. I can't imagine that drunkenly handling hot irons is the safest thing. If you're not careful, you'll probably complete this challenge with a few burns to show for it.

7. Choosing an outfit
Probably the easiest of all the tasks because even drunk girls know when an outfit is cute or not. But still, if it takes you a long time to soberly choose an outfit, imagine how long that will take if you're drunk.

8. Wearing heels out
You got to wear sandals to the day drink, but now that the stars are out, it's time to throw on some four inch pumps. Usually after drinking you brave the streets and walk home barefoot, or if you're lucky, a gentlemen will give you his shoes while he walks barefoot (he's a keeper). But you haven't even made it out yet, and you have to wear those shoes even though you're already stumbling and it hurts like hell.

9. Tracking down essentials
Phone, keys, wallet. You need all these things in order to leave the house, your wallet needs to contain your ID and some cash and you probably can't leave the house without Chapstick either. But after your crazy day, it takes you 40 minutes to track down your purse and ensure that all the necessities are inside.

10. The pregame struggle
Like I said before, all you truly wanna do is go to sleep. But instead, you are going to force yourself to rally and take shots like a champ. The night is young and you can't lose the buzz from the day that is slowly fading with the completion of each task. So time to put your drunk getting ready skills to the test and get ready for round two!

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Things You Shouldn't Be Doing Wasted

Put on your pants, Chad.

Having unprotected sex:
You shouldn't even be doing this when you're sober, TBH.

Pissing everywhere
Again, another one that shouldn't be done even when you're sober. Laws prohibiting public urination are real, and you could also be hit with an indecent exposure charge which will get you registered on the sex offenders list.

Talking Trash
There's a time and place for everything. Trash talk is one of those things that is way worse when drunk.

Even if you're talented at singing whilst sober, don't do it when you're drunk please.

Hitting on people
Your breath smells, you're most likely slurring your words and to top it off you probably can't walk straight. Knock it off.

Throwing up everywhere
You become a problem for everybody around. If you must, then at least get it in the toilet and clean yourself up. Gross.

Drinking anymore
When your friend tells you enough, ENOUGH. At the end of the day, he/she is gonna be the one responsible for you.

Trying to be friends with everybody
It's more than likely that you're embarrassing yourself.

Trying to walk on your own
Let your sober/slightly less drunk friends support you. It makes travelling places on foot 10 times easier.

Losing things
Losing your phone will make your hangover anxiety go through the roof. Get a damn lanyard and attach it if need be-but do not lose it.

Attracting unnecessary attention is totally unnecessary.

Falling over
This comes from directly disobeying previous point regarding trying to walk whilst schwasted.

Breaking stuff
If you break stuff, you're gonna pay for it. Try and remember that the next morning when you're hungover and have a bill stuck to your door.

Passing out
This is a big no-no. Because then an ambulance will have to be called.

Drunk dialing
As well as wasting someone else's time, you're most likely going to say things you shouldn't be saying.

Drunk texting/Snapping
Just like the last one, you're probably going to say things you shouldn't be saying to people you shouldn't be saying those things to. Like an ex.

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Six Things You'll Thank Yourself for in the Morning After a Night Out

You're welcome, Future Me.

Clean off your bed before you go out. I live by this rule. There is nothing more annoying than coming home in a drunken state and not being able to get into bed because clothes are all over it. Yes, your room will look like it was just hit by a natural disaster while you are trying to find the perfect outfit, but take five minutes to put that shit elsewhere before going out.

Set an alarm. If you are in college you definitely have things to do in the morning. Set an alarm before you get wasted, that way you have no excuse to sleep in. If you're really smart, you'll set five alarms before you go out, because, let's be real, you will def snooze the first four.

Put water by your bed. This is a major key. You know when you wake up after a night of drinking and think to yourself, "If I don't have water right now I'm going to die." Plan accordingly for that exact moment and have water within reach.

Skip the soda. Even though rum and coke is an easy go-to, you'll definitely regret it in the morning. Soda is extremely sugary and the carbonation will not sit well in your stomach while you sleep.

Don't send that after 2 a.m. drunk text. I'm a big supporter of sending drunk texts, but only up to a certain time. Sending a 2 a.m. text just means your first few options fell through and now you're settling for that guy who lived on your freshman floor who you kinda hooked up with that one time. Just go to sleep.

Take your makeup off and brush your teeth. When I die, I want this written on my tombstone. Nothing is more important than taking off your makeup before going to sleep. It really only takes one minute and you will be so thankful when you wake up in the morning not looking like you feel. And brushing your teeth avoids dragon breath, obviously.