18 Poops You Will Have In College
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18 Poops You Will Have In College

Be Prepared

Very First Poop

Every freshman will face their very first college poop. Your privacy has been stripped away from you, a gross floor and low quality toilet paper await you. Your nervousness results in trapping your poop within you, or expelling it at a worrisome rate. Relax, you will have much worse shits than your first.

Too Much Water

It's easy to go overboard with water if you're actively making an effort to stay hydrated. Although water is good for you, too much can be a bad thing. Too much water is a good way to create soft- serve turds, very soft serve.

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Not Enough Water

College is busy, staying hydrated takes a lot of effort- but so does rock hard shit. Find a balance with water, or study time may have to be traded for poop time.

Morning Of Your First Exam

You're crushing in some study time before you go to class, you need to be on time, you need to be prepared, you need to shit. Your nervousness has resulted in an upset stomach, diarrhea accompanies you throughout the morning before your first exam.

After Party Poop

Half a pizza, several beers and a few shots comes out with the same speed and burn that it went in with. Be prepared to simultaneously puke, and a have a friend hold your hair or bring you more toilet paper.

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Hangover Poop

Your throbbing head and sore body are accompanied by one more problem- you must poop. You're now so dehydrated that your poops are drier than the desert, vastly different than the diarrhea from the night before.

Just Tried Anal Poop

If you didn't already accidentally poop during sex, you're sitting on the toilet, not sure if you're even pooping because you can't feel your rectum.

Eating Entirely On Campus

The mediocre food in the buffet may be convenient, but after a few days you're going to notice some changes. Your stomach will try to adjust to the mediocrity, causing very mediocre poop quality. Either your turds will be as soft as the buffet frozen yogurt, or as hard as the cookies.

Eating Entirely Off Campus

Fast food is also convenient, but if you're going to eat all fast food you better be willing to commit to some time on the toilet. The greasy, warm goodness of Taco Bell, Panda Express, and repeated pizza orders comes out in a very similar greasy warmness.

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Last Dorm Poop

Finally, you're moving out of the dorms! Maybe into a suit or your own place, either way you'll have a higher degree of privacy and cleanliness. That doesn't stop you from needed to poop in the meantime, there will be a poop in the dorms that is your last poop. Take that poop as an opportunity to reflect on past dorm poops- and look forward to your own damn bathroom.

Mystery Poop

You will have a mystery poop situation. Why is this poop different from your normal bowel movements? Are you okay? This poop will confuse you, and might make you question if you're okay. Maybe call your mom, she'll know.

Middle of Lecture Poop

Lectures are long, that bacon, egg, double cheese bagel you ate for breakfast has not sat well with your stomach- you MUST shit. You try to hold it off, this lecture is important and it would be rude to run out in the middle of it. Oh no- you can feel it. You're going to shit your pants if you don't go right now, so you quickly grab your stuff, and RUN to the restroom. Hopefully your professor isn't a total jerk and doesn't penalize you for missing the rest of the lecture.

You Shit Your Pants

It happens. Not everybody shits their pants in college, but if it happens to you just go home. You professors should understand.

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Needed to Shit All Day Poop

Running between lectures, activities and work stuffed your day. You didn't need to poop so badly to pause your day, so now you're at home. You eventually realize through the bloating and cramping that you need to shit. Since you held your poop all day, it now doesn't want to come out. You spend the night studying on the toilet.

In a Rush Poop

You only have five minutes util you must leave for class, a date, work, whatever, and you realize you need to shit. You quickly sit on the throne, and poop as quickly as you can. You do a rushed wipe job and leave as fast as you can. Later your ass will itch from your poor wipe job.

Poop Walk of Shame

Maybe you were really tired, or you ate Taco Bell...or both. You forgot to courtesy flush and clogged the communal toilet beyond repair. You now do the poop walk of shame- wait till nobody else is around, and then run out of the restroom before anybody has the chance to know that you clogged the toilet.

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You're Sick

You will get a cold or the flu while in the dorms, and you will have to poop. Your aching, sick body will have to drag itself down the hall, make it to a stall, and try not to throw up while you poop. This will be one of the most unpleasant poops you'll have.

Graduation day

Finally, you're free! You are an hour or less until you shake hands and leave forever -but wait- you need to poop. You go to the toilet and must figure out how to poop with your cap and gown. Do you take them off and throw them over the stall? Do you hold it up like a dress? What if it hits the gross ground? Good luck.

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Sly Ways To Get Revenge On Your Roommate

Judge away, I DGAF.

Every now and then, your cohabitants aka roommates are going to do something that seriously pisses you off. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and here are some of the coldest ways to get back at your roommate. Now I'm a sane person, so I'm not gonna suggest you do anything crazy like using their toothbrush to scrub your ass, no. These are just moderate suggestions for minor indiscretions.

Steal their drugs.
Who are they going to call? The police?

Play loud music.
Particularly trash music. I'm talking Tyga/Lil' Mama/Bow Wow trash.

Drink their milk.
In fact, this even happens when they haven't done anything to get revenge.

Use all the toilet paper.
Or better yet, use up 95 percent it, then when they ask you to pass them a new one, pretend like you're not at home, or on the phone so can't hear them.

Fart on their pillow.
The urban myth is that if you fart on someone's pillow, it gives them pink eye. So sneak in and let rip on their pillow a couple of times then hurry away. Wait up to 24-48 hours to see the signs of pinkeye settling in and bask in your glory.

Wear their clothes.
This is especially easy if you do your laundry together. If they catch you wearing their clothes, feign ignorance and act like you had no idea it was theirs.

COCKBLOCK.
You walk in and see there's some Netflix and Chill going on? Well it's time to grab some popcorn and pull up a chair. There will be no chilling when you're sitting there crying your eyes out at the cheesy rom-com your roomie picked out.

Leave skid marks in the toilet.
I was tempted to say do a poop and don't flush, but I think that's taking things too far. A few skid marks here and there in the bowl will do no harm, yet still prove your point.

Go days without showering as a form of protest.
When I was 15 I did this. My mom wasn't taking me seriously as a teenager, so I decided enough is enough. I went seven long and smelly days without showering and boy, oh boy was it nasty. She could smell me from the hallway. Eventually, I had to shower because I started getting nasty rashes on my skin. But still, that showed her. Not really.

Have sex really loud.
Go HAM with those caveman grunts.

Or get a new roommate.

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Pooping In The Dorms

9 pooping tips every college student needs.

We've all done it - held in a poop 'till we got home from work or school. But in college dorms, the sanctuary of your own private toilet is stripped away in exchange for a communal restroom.

Gone are the days when you could poop comfortably while browsing Tumblr for memes.

Or are they?

Here are some tips every college student needs:

1. Courtesy Flush.
You don't want to be that guy, the one who clogs the toilet. Introducing the Courtesy Flush.

Simply put, the Courtesy Flush is an extra flush (or a few) before you're done pooping. This decreases the amount of matter flushed each time, therefore significantly decreases the chances of clogging the toilet.

For large deposits, I recommend flushing three times - about half way done pooping, after pooping but before wiping, and then of course the final after wipe flush. With this strategy, you no longer need to worry about clogging the toilet.

2. Poop Sounds... Let 'em rip.
Free yourself from the anxiety of your opera singing ass. The restrooms are made for you to poop - so poop freely. Nobody cares what toots, squishes, plops or other sounds you make. Everybody does it.

3. Paper.
The paper in the restrooms suck, especially if you're a frequent pooper. There is nothing more uncomfortable than a raw ass from toilet sandpaper. Treat yourself to some quality paper. Keep it by your door so that you never forget it.

4. Shoes.
Many freshman believe they only need to wear flip flops in the showers - they're wrong. The floors never get a quality clean, so every time a toilet overflows, a drunk pukes on the floor, or some other bodily fluid hits the floor, the bacteria and gunk stays there. Wear shoes.

5. Poo Pourri.
If you're prone to especially rancid dumps, you may want to invest in some air freshener or Poo Pourri. Be courteous to your fellow dorm dwellers and take responsibility for reeking up the communal restroom.

6. Poop Pal.
Eventually, you will have a poop emergency. You'll have no toilet paper, you'll get poop in your pants, you'll throw up while you poop and need somebody to hold your hair. In such a situation, have a trusted friend you can call for help.

7. Stall Surveillance.
All stalls are not created equally. Some will have wobbly seats, flush poorly, or have extra large spaces between the door and wall. Scope out each stall and figure out which one best suits your pooping needs.

8. Poop Aids.
You will have poop problems in college, constipation, runny poop, constant pooping, etc. There is no shame in getting some aid. Whether that be stool softeners, hardeners, laxatives or any other, call your mom. She'll know how to help.

9. When Nature Calls.
Holding a poop is not fun, and the quality of the restrooms isn't going to change. Shit when you need to shit. Don't waste an hour of studying focusing on your rectum rather than on your class.

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College Life |  Source: N. Leeper, Shutterstock

How To Get A Quality Pube Shave In The Dorms

Ten steps to smooth pubes.

Time to groom your pubes... but there's just one problem, you're living in a college dorm. You're broke, you have limited privacy and your pubes are like Sasquatch's.

Don't fret, you can groom your pubes while living in the dorms. Follow these steps for a quality pube shave:

1. Tools.

You need quality tools for cheap. Try razor subscription sites such as the Dollar Shave Club.

Men's razors will be best for precision, and the lotion strips on many female razors can cause irritations to sensitive areas. An electric shaver will also work. You will also want some shaving cream.

If you're into shaving shapes, get a comb and electric trimmer. You can get a small one for under $10.

2. Location.

The most private place with the easiest cleanup is the shower.

If your shower doesn't have a bar to put your leg up on, you will want something. A bucket, a stepping stool, something small.

If you're using an electric shaver, do so before you get wet.

If you're entirely using an electric shaver, you could do it in your room. Make sure your roommates won't be around for awhile, and be ready to vacuum right after.

3. Clean up.

Sweaty pubes don't shave well, and if you're doing your ass, then you definitely don't want poop in your tools.

4. Trim.

If you'll be using a razor, it won't cut well if your hair is longer than one-third of an inch. Carefully use some scissors or electric shaver to trim it down to a short length.

If you're using an electric, still trim. You probably don't want super long shapes, and shorter hair will make your shape more defined.

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5. Shaping.

Triangles, landing strips, whatever you want. To shape these out, use an electric trimmer. You want to start by combing your hair down, and then shaving the outline of the shape. Clear a 1/4-1/3 of an inch around the shape. While doing this, pull away from the edges of the shape into the hair you're going to remove.

6. Initial shave.

Shaving around your shape, use some shaving cream and shave with the grain. Shave with the grain. Shave with the damn grain or your pubes will look like a case of the chicken pox.

Tip: use both hands! Shaving is not a one-handed job, use the other hand to hold your skin in place while you shave.

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7. Repeat step six as needed.

It may take a few times to get everything smooth. Make sure that during each go-over you are using shaving cream and shaving with the grain. Take your time, commit to a quality shave.

8. Nooks and crannies.

There are spots that are often forgotten when shaving. Make sure you get the crook where your leg meets your genital area.

Also, the point where your ass meets your back.

Use your hand to spread, hold and move bits that are usually forgotten.

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9. Your ass.

If you're doing your ass as well as your frontal pube area, there are a few things to consider.If you have a vagina, do your vagina first. Butt bacteria + vagina = yeast infection.

That being said, make sure to clean your tools between uses. Use an electric razor to avoid nicking the puckered texture.

If you must use a razor, use a single-blade. This will give you more control of the surface of the blade to avoid nicks.

Other than that, follow the rest of the steps as usual.

10. Aftercare.

Don't just shave your pubes and then hope for the best. Take care of them.

After getting out of the shower, use a sensitive moisturizer to prevent irritation. Coconut oil is pretty genitalia-friendly.

Regularly moisturize your pubes, and throughout the week for a quick touch-up use an electric trimmer.

Don't do a lazy shave. If you decide to quickly and roughly shave your pubes in a hurry, you're not going to get a good shave, and you'll irritate your skin.

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College Life |  Source: reddit.com

This Female MMA Fighter Is A Hero For Pooping Mid-Fight

And she owned it like a champ.

Well this is just absolutely bonkers. I have never seen anything like it. This woman just took a shit on the ground while getting choked out and millions of people are watching it and sending it to their friends, family and co-workers.

Can we just think about that for a second. That is sooooo funny. This is the most iconic female pooping video since two girls one cup, and this one is monumental.

Justine Kish is a hero for poop-pantsers all across the globe. She could have said nothing. She could have felt embarrassed and hid from the media laying in dark room just wishing that this feces-nightmare was over.

But she didn't. She owned the absolute fuck out of it. She said #ShitHappens! And in an instant, she transformed the act of the shit-pants to something that is now 10X more acceptable than it has ever been before.

For anyone who has ever experienced an accidental bowel movement, and you most certainly know who you are, #ShitHappens is something that really hits close to home. It happens. Sometimes you are racing to the bathroom, sometimes you are taking a test, and sometimes you are blacked out in the bed of someone from the opposite sex. The one common theme with all of this is that it is unintentional (for the most part) and if there is anything we have learned in 2017 it is that judging of people for things beyond their control is bad.

I personally believe this is a turning point in the history of the poop-pants and I am glad that we can all crowd around the computer or our phones with our closest friends and family and laugh together as we watch a girl poop in her pants while being knocked out.

P.S. I will refrain from posting links to the youtube videos of other cases of MMA fighters, as well as people in other situations, pooping their pants, but by all means navigate there if you so please.

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College Life |  Source: L. Smith, Shutterstock

Watch Out, There Could Be Poop In Your Coffee

Beware of crappy coffee.

Coffee lovers, get ready for a rude awakening.

According to a recent report by BBC's TV series Watchdog, your iced coffee might have traces of fecal matter in it.

You heard me, there could be poop in your morning pick-me-up.

Watchdog's researchers took samples from three major U.K. coffee chains--Starbucks, Caffe Nero and Costa Coffee--all of which were found to have varying levels of bacteria in their ice. This bacteria is resistant to cold temperatures and has the capability to grow in the human digestive track, a big no-no.

Out of ten iced coffee samples at each chain, Costa Coffee ranked the worst, with six out of ten samples having fecal contamination--Starbucks and Caffe Nero did a bit better, with "only" three out of ten. While the levels of actual contamination are fairly minuscule, it still doesn't fare well for anyone's health. Had any of these bacteria also been contaminated with E. Coli, anyone getting coffee also would have had a high risk of getting food poisoning.

This is all too much poop for my tastes (ew), and experts on the subject seem to share my opinion. According to a spokesperson for the food-safety group Chartered Institute of Environmental Health, "These should not be [feces] present at any level, never mind the significant numbers found." If that doesn't make you reconsider your iced latte, I don't know what will.

After the release of this research, all three coffee chains announced that they would be reevaluating their ice-handling procedures--thank God--and Starbucks has issued a complete internal investigation on the issue. Until we can be guaranteed that all the poop is gone, I recommend making your own coffee from home--or better yet, make the switch to green tea.